Monday, May 2, 2011

...And the Drama It Causes: Orv Reacts to Nymphy’s Continued Indiscretions With the Floor.

     Orv is a sturdy Prot Pally with the freshly 7/12 Eff the Ineffable. While he loves seeing bosses topple like dominoes, he is starting to worry that Nymphy loves the floor more than she loves him. Nymphy’s continuing string of brief yet passionate affairs with various floors are starting to distract Orv from the srs bzns of getting punched in the face by bosses.

     That Nymphy’s a wonderful girl. She’s sweet, smart, and she makes the most delicious cake I ever tasted, trust me, it sure is not a lie! Not to mention her portals, you’d never forget a trip through one of them, let me tell you.  She’s a clothy so she isn’t rolling against me for gear, and she appreciates my plate covered self between her and whatever horrible monster we’re killing... but I find myself a little worried. Ok maybe more than a little.

     Things were great at first. We ran through all kinds of dungeons together and had a blast. Even after we started raiding together everything was great.. it meant even more time together, but lately she seems distant. When I glance over at her during a raid, you know just to keep an eye on her HP bar, make sure she doesn’t need a Word of Glory whispered her way, I keep catching her staring at the floor.

     “So what” you ask? It’s just a floor, right? But she’s not just glancing down now and again. She isn’t shyly avoiding eye contact, it’s like she’s undressing the floor with her eyes! At first I thought her deaths were just unfortunate accidents. I kept making excuses for her. “She hasn’t seen this boss before” or  “Her keyboard must be sticking, I hate when that happens.” But lately even on boss pulls where we make a clean kill... lately even then she’s going down!

     The other night on Atramedes, during his last air phase, right before he landed, she just stood there after a life grip as fire bloomed all around her, until she toppled over, face down, lips right on the floor! Then on Maloriak things were going so well. We pushed him into his last phase, everyone was staying out of the fire, when all of a sudden his Acid Nova became too much for her, and once again, down she went!  Even on Chimaeron, with only 2% of his life left, knowing she only had to live a few more seconds, she just kept Arcane Blasting him until he was all over her, and then she was all over the floor! It seems like every new boss we see she just can’t keep herself off their floors!

     I confronted her about it and she got all defensive. She even went so far as to say that it was the healer’s fault*! Typical DPS! Check out this transcript of the argument we had...tell me what you think? I want to believe that she is sorry, after all I love that squishy mage of mine.

Orv: Nymphy this has to stop... I see the way you stare at those floors. The way you throw yourself at them... I just can’t believe it’s an accident any more!
Nymphy: What? What do you mean? What are you talking about?
Orv: I think you know exactly what I’m talking about. V&T...Atramedes...Maloriak..even Chimaeron, you just couldn’t help yourself, could you!
Nymphy: Wait..what? I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Orv: Their floors Nymphy, I’ve seen the way you look at their floors. Like you just can’t wait to be sprawled out on them!’s like you just can’t die fast enough!
Nymphy: I..I it is nothing! It is bad luck! The healers*! They clearly can’t handle keeping me alive!
Orv: How could they? You find fire to stand in, or you wait until they’re running across the room to try and die. I thought it was all in my head, but then I saw what happened on Chimaeron. You just couldn’t stand the thought of not being on that floor could you?
Nymphy: But..but...but Orv, how can you say that? I love you!
Orv: If you love me, if you really love me, you’ll give up the floor. I know you can do it Nymphy.  Magmaw, Halfus, Omnomnom, you’ve hardly ever touched their floors. If you love me, you’ll stop this dying!
Nymphy: But that should prove to you that I don’t fling myself at the floor like a wanton! After all the Lich King’s floor didn’t affect me at all! You are making a huge deal about nothing Orv!
Orv: If it’s not true then why is it that every time I look over at you during a raid I see you staring at the floor like a love-sick kitten?
Nymphy: *cries* I...I am sorry, I thought I could do it! I thought I could withstand the floor and I thought I was doing so well since I met you!  *throws herself in Orv’s arms* Please forgive me, I promise to try harder! I...I..I’ll sacrifice my DPS numbers, I’ll do anything!
Orv: I love you too Nymphy, but if this keeps up... I’ll bubble-hearth away before I share you with the floor!

     So there it is... the whole truth came out. She promised to change but I can’t help wondering how long it will last. What do you think? Can Nymphy get over her love affair with the floor? I sure hope so, because to tell you the truth, I would hate for her to call my bluff. Especially since I haven’t been able to bubble-hearth since 4.0 dropped.

*Disclaimer: No healers were actually blamed in the making of this post.


  1. Well, you can bubble, and you can hearth, but there's that couple of seconds after the bubble falls off....

  2. Yes but if the bubble falls off when you're running away from a mage you might find yourself polymorphed.

  3. These are so funny, haha. Orv, you're playing the wrong class! You need to be a Priest. That way, not only can you keep Nymphy topped up and firmly away from making love to the floor, but should you find her wandering out of your dutiful reach, LIFE GRIP! ;D

  4. Thanks Rades! In last night's raid Nymphy was actually alive at every boss kill. No one was quite sure what to make of that!